I am still here
Against all odds, against expectations, against the statistics, having nothing to live for other than life.
Slowly I started, waking up from a bad dream I had been hiding in for years. The dream that eventually disguised itself as my real life. But I had never really gotten to that point of living. Not until I reached a turning point where a crossroad lay before me. There lay three options ahead; To quit, to live or to keep on surviving. I was tired of surviving, never really actually getting a chance to live. I reached till this far, building my scraps from a power unknown to me. Good enough to be alive in, I had nothing but the clothes on my back and the remnants of a smile I used to own. Lips became more sealed as I dared to speak out more, my words were always ringing in deaf man’s ears. Nobody ever knew about the web that was spinning around me. Not until I found out that the spider in it was me.
My past held me cocooned as a form of protection. But the dangers lay inside of me. Fighting with inner demons trying to release the angel that God had put in place. Both were mine, both were me. The one weary of life and the other fighting to keep it. Knowing I had this empty vessel to fill up. I filled it with dreams never coming true, with promises to myself I never kept. I kept pouring out more than I ever gained. Letting broken-hearted love take over my life. Wealth came enforced by debt. Real love came wrapped in lies that held a mirror before me so I could not see the layers of truth behind it. I never really understood why. The reason for me not being able to find it.
These days have been quiet. I woke up this Saturday morning, counting my blessings of being alive yet another day. Rethinking and reminding myself what all I had to face and change to still be here. I am thankful for so many things, so many simple things. These changes, all due to one big turnaround that helped me turn my life in order. Heading towards a path I never dared to take before. But nowadays, even though I find myself as poor as I had been, I see a lot of richness in my world. I see myself through opened eyes now. Learning still, but learning the right things. Learning things that will make everything better soon. When in the past It would have been better never. Being honest, I’ve never had it better. All because I had never been me.
Just bits and pieces and pieces and parts. Seeing the silver lining but never painted it over with gold. Spine leaning against the couch, typing my deepest inners away on my laptop. Dearing to be clean and come clean about my whereabouts and doings. Lost more than I can count but gained all the more wisdom throughout all of it.
My living room is a comfortable environment, currently in a messy state. Piles of documents on my desk, surrounded by empty seats so I chose to sit on the floor. My legs crossed, dressed in a hoody and some jogging pants with a hole in them. On my dining table, the leftover decorations from Christmas. One envelope addressed to me. Holding within a DNA paternity test. while I am holding on to the fear of confronting my father. gaining the courage to go over to his house and ask If he would do me the favour of helping us find out the truth. The kit for swabbing looks so simple. But holds the possible answer to all of my complex questions. A need to heal from daddy’s issues. The need to heal me. Faced with uncertainty as to whom I belong to other than God. I need to find out. Fearing the results more than gaining freedom by owning up to the truth. All truth hurts before healing sets in. Doubting myself, unsure If I am strong enough indeed. I had always been strong, but I never should have been this strong. Now, this strength is holding back all the answers I need.
But I am so tired. So weary, so done with it all. So done with playing the black sheep. The soldier in a one-woman war. I never chose this battlefield. But someone fooled me into believing it was mine to win or lose. Lord knows I will never choose to lose when I set out to win from the beginning. In all this, I just needed a new beginning. New opportunities that see me as capable and deserving. I need ears to believe in my truth. I need eyes to see I am needing to not struggle. I am done fighting myself, my truth. I am done fighting completely.
Help is on the way, but from my end, I need to carve out a path that allows healing, a road that allows people to reach me. It’s hard stretching out my arms in fear of what I hold on to. Will it come back to haunt me or teach me to hold onto this world in a new softer way without me breaking alongside it. I have made a lot of mistakes and even more bad decisions. One by one I will set them straight. Make things right where nothing ever was right.
Gasping for air while I dig my faults out of the sand. Having to face them all one by one. Knowing that every bad seed sowed, the harvest can only be purified if I myself clean it. I myself have to bear the burden of cleansing. Getting my hands just as dirty as the day I dug into the soils to bury them. Then in order to forget, now in order to remember.
Grateful that I never made a deal with the devil, but I made my God promises I never kept. So neither party was helping. My soul remained mine. But God only kept me. Keeping me away from all His blessings but He never let me go out of his sight. He left me and came back with one question.
‘Are you done with thinking?’
Knowing the meaning to the words but trying to decipher the message, I thought about it for two more years. Believing it was just a dream, a hallucination. A figment of my imagination. It wasn’t as it turned out. It was my soul translating the test God had put me through. The question remained unanswered so he sent me more tests to go through until I figured out that the answer lay in my survival. The true answer was in God’s hands since the beginning, When I stopped thinking I started taking action. Real actions that came with real results. My past year had been a quiet one. But results come where effort is. Without effort, nothing can come.
I just needed to stop thinking that I was ready, I just needed to claim my readiness and declare it, speak my words into action and be ready. To be a witness of the light.